Last week, one of my clients told me they thought they had “burnout.” Then they listed everything they had to do:
- The extra work project.
- The overly needy friend obligation.
- The thing they hate that they volunteered for.
- The favor for a coworker who never returns favors.
And I thought: That’s interesting. Because they were listing all these things they were “choosing” to do.
Not things they “had” to do.
Yet they used the word “burnout” like it was something that happened to them.
Like burnout is weather. Like they just woke up one day and found themselves struck by a burnout storm. Utterly blameless. Completely powerless.
And that’s when something clicked for me.
I Believe Sometimes What We Call “Burnout” Isn’t Actually Burnout at All
Sometimes we use the word burnout because it’s easier than saying the harder thing: “I’m exhausted from living a life that doesn’t actually feel like mine.”
Now, before we go any further, let me be clear: real burnout exists.
- Medical burnout is real.
- Chronic stress is real.
- Caregiving exhaustion from being needed 24/7 is real.
- Nervous system overload from trauma is real.
I’m not talking about any of that. I’m talking about something different.
Something I’ve started calling a “Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.”
Let me explain what I mean.
What a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency Looks Like
My client Lisa signed up to be room parent, soccer coach, PTA treasurer, and book club host. She now sends group texts at midnight about how she’s “barely holding it together.”
That’s not burnout. That’s a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency masked as self-chosen over-commitment.
Or my client Lucy, who says she has no time. But when she shows me her schedule, it’s full of “power walking with Amy,” “networking with Steve,” and “yoga with Debby” …all people and activities she doesn’t even like.
Lucy just felt bad saying no. That’s a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency… disguised as self-chosen busyness.
And honestly? Most of us are walking around with some version of this.
- We overload our lives with obligations that don’t matter.
- We say yes when we mean no.
- We stay busy with nonsense.
Then we wake up tired. Drag ourselves through the day. Spend our evenings scrolling because we’re too fried to do anything that requires actual thought.
We call ALL OF THIS burnout.
But it’s not burnout.
It’s a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.
And there is a BIG difference.
Why We Develop Meaning and Purpose Deficiency
Here’s what I’ve learned from working with high achieving women for decades: We disguise people-pleasing as productivity.
We volunteer for things we hate because we feel it makes us look good. And makes us feel needed. And because empty space in our calendars makes us feel lazy.
Plus, saying no feels selfish… and we’ve been trained to believe selfishness is the worst possible sin.
Also, on some level we worry about what might happen if we’re not busy, and have to sit with ourselves in silence and ask uncomfortable questions like: Is this the life I actually want?
And that question is terrifying.
So we stay busy. We call it burnout. Then we treat it with self-care products and weekend getaways.
And for about nine days, we feel better.
Then we’re right back where we started. Exhausted. Numb. Scrolling.
And Here’s The Tricky Bit…
You probably already know this.
But knowing it and saying it out loud are two very different things.
Because if you say it out loud, then you have to do something about it. And doing something about it is terrifying.
So instead, you buy the weighted blanket. The meditation app. The book about how French women or Danish women or Swedish women have figured out the secret to not being miserable.
And you think, maybe if you just light enough aromatherapy candles and drink more matcha, you’ll crack the code too.
But it never works. Because you’re treating the symptoms… instead of the actual problem.
You’re suffering from a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency!
You’re exhausted because your days need more meaning and purpose. You keep doing things that seemed like good ideas at the time. And now you feel stuck.
What Causes Meaning and Purpose Deficiency
Most people develop Meaning and Purpose Deficiency because they’re overly aimed at superficially rewarding things: status, people-pleasing, productivity, etc.
Instead, they need to aim at deeper things that truly matter…. things that energize their heart and soul.
For example…
Many people are chasing goals they saw on someone else’s LinkedIn and thought, I suppose that’s what success looks like.
Or they’re stuck in relationships that require them to be smaller. Quieter. Less weird. Less themselves.
But instead of saying, Wait… I think I made a wrong turn somewhere, they say: I’m just burned out. I need a new lavender facial mask.
But all the self-care products in Target won’t fix a life you don’t actually want to be living. You must first and foremost address your Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.
How to Tell the Difference
Still unsure if you’re dealing with actual burnout or a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency?
Try this:
1. Think About Last Week
What gave you energy?
- What made you feel alive?
- When did time disappear because you were so absorbed you forgot to check your phone?
Now think about what drained you.
- What filled you with dread?
- What required a full pep talk and two reward snacks just to start?
- What made you want to crawl into bed afterward and watch seven hours of murder mysteries?
If your “drained” list is significantly longer than your “energized” list…. that’s a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.
2. Think About Your Deathbed
When you’re 90 and looking back, will the life you’re living right now feel meaningful? Will it feel like you?
Or will it be remembered as “that thing I did while I was waiting for my real life to start”?
If it’s the second one, that’s a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.
How to Treat a Meaning and Purpose Deficiency
The solution isn’t a juice cleanse. It’s not essential oils.
It’s a recalibration of your life.
Here’s how you can actually begin to address the deficiency:
1. Stop Starving Yourself of Meaning
Carve out actual hours. Not minutes. Hours. Every single week make sure you are doing things that truly energize you.
- The weird project.
- The creative thing.
- The thing that doesn’t pay you money but delights your soul.
- The thing everyone calls “cute,” but you know is the only thing connecting you to your actual self.
This isn’t optional self-care. This is soul energizing medicine.
2. Stop Tolerating People Who Deplete Your Purpose
You know exactly who I’m talking about.
- The ones who get uncomfortable when you succeed.
- The ones who punish you for growing.
- The ones who seem to prefer you when you’re depressed because it makes them feel better about being stuck.
Every hour you spend with these people deepens your Meaning and Purpose Deficiency.
3. Start Treating Your Time Like It Matters… Because It Does
- Quit the annoying thing.
- Cancel the boring dinner.
- Tell Barbara from the PTA you’re done organizing the bake sale.
Because here’s the truth about Meaning and Purpose Deficiency:
- You don’t get unlimited Tuesdays.
- You don’t get life re-dos.
- This is it. Your one precious, fleeting existence.
One day you’ll look back at how you spent your time and ask yourself: “Did I prioritize my life on things that actually mattered to me?”
In fact, that’s one of the most important questions to regularly ponder!
It’s a far more important question than any of these:
- Am I pleasing everyone?
- Am I being productive enough?
- Does my life look impressive from the outside looking in?
So I recommend you regularly check in with yourself and ask: Does my life have meaning and purpose?
Because chances are the cure for your exhaustion is not another scented vanilla candle. It’s finally admitting you’ve been living someone else’s life. And it’s time to design a life you don’t need to escape from.
Note: You now have two choices.
1. You can close this tab and continue with your life exactly as it is. Keep calling it the euphemism of burnout.
2. You can actually address your Meaning and Purpose Deficiency. Stop fibbing to yourself. And make some needed changes.
If You’re Going with Option Two
If you’re choosing to actually treat your Meaning and Purpose Deficiency, I’m here to help. I offer something called Stop Bullshitting Yourself Sessions.
It’s me, you, and 60 minutes on Zoom, figuring out what’s draining the meaning from your life.
We talk about:
- What you’re pretending has meaning that’s actually exhausting you.
- What would genuinely give your life purpose (not what sounds good at dinner parties).
- Why you keep choosing activities that deplete meaning instead of create it.
- What to change first.
You leave with a real plan for the next 90 days, and that is a great ticket to living life with a purpose.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think you’re approaching or experiencing burnout or is there a different name to your current state of being? What do you think contributes to this state?