Living as a single woman after having been in a long-term relationship is a major adjustment. How is that for the understatement of the year? Whichever loss you went through, divorce or death, it isn’t an adjustment… it’s a major life change! And “grieving the loss” happens in both situations. Whether it was a wonderful or stressful relationship, it’s a loss in your life regardless, and it comes with lots of difficult changes.
Three Major Changes
I will only touch on three of the changes that I have witnessed the most in working with women, having not experienced singlehood myself (yet). The emotional impact on the brain and body can be the most difficult but understanding what is going on helps. Dealing with the day-to-day needs of your living situation (home and vehicle repairs/maintenance for example) can also be frustrating. And the financial side of having all money decisions 100% in your lap can be a small or big change depending on what type of financial couple you were before.
Our Bodies Store Trauma
70% of our thoughts are typically negative and on autopilot. So, adding a sudden emotional change in a primary relationship only makes that fact worse. Brain fog, widow brain, mental fatigue can be a normal part of dealing with any loss since they are all triggered by emotional stress. I think what we forget is that anxiety produces stress hormones in our body that impact not only our cognition but also our physical body.
Our bodies store trauma, and those stress chemicals can surge through our body and create havoc later in different parts of our body. I ran into a friend just last week who lost her husband six months ago. She said, “I thought I was doing so good, and then I got hit with all of these health problems!” Her stress had manifested in her body.
The Best Medicine for the Brain
The importance of loving yourself, mentally and physically, all the time but especially after a loss cannot be overemphasized. I have come to believe that the best medicine for our brain and mental health is oxygen.
Think about it. Meditation, yoga, and exercise are all forced breathing activities. Pausing and breathing deeply calms the mind, feeds our blood with oxygen, and opens the door in our brain to allow the logical and emotional sides to work together. And physically moving our body also feeds the muscles with oxygen and forces blood flow through the body. A daily dose of any or all of those breathing and blood flow activities is an act of love for your brain and body.
I’ve Got a Guy
The day-to-day reality of things that come up for you to solve on your own is another challenge single women face. A friend who lost her husband last year joked with me the other day that YouTube is now her new best friend, and the only thing she reads lately is instruction manuals. All the things she took for granted that her husband just took care of, are now on her To Do list… and it ain’t fun!
Then stories usually follow about how the “hey I’ve got a guy” heroes don’t show up, arrive late, or never come back. Unreliable is not what you were looking for!
You Need a Contractor List
I am spoiled to the max as my husband has a handyman business. He grew up on a dairy farm and learned to fix everything under the sun. And I thank him profusely when he takes care of everything inside and outside our home as well as most vehicle issues. He waves it off like it’s nothing, but I know better.
I’ve seen the struggle, heard the frustrating stories, and shared our contractor list with single women who don’t have that base covered. My best advice, after checking with friends and neighbors, is to find a realtor, through the grapevine if you don’t already know one. They have a list of contractors they often use after home inspection or home sales and are usually willing to share contact information for your fix-it needs.
The Money Side of Life
Last, but not least, is the money side of life after loss. As a couple, we all evolve to having various “departments” that we each take care of. You may or may not have been involved with or fully in charge of the financial department or somewhere in between. Your comfort level now depends on the money messages you absorbed as a child as well as the type of financial couple you were before the loss.
The Divide and Conquer couple has the best outcome after loss. If you’re not sure which category you were in, my quick quiz (based on some interesting research) can help.
Know Where You Are
Understanding your money stress and moving forward on your finances are two different things. To overcome the feeling of overwhelm and replace it with calm, I pulled many of my financial tools and checklist resources into a course specifically for women, Suddenly Single.
I have found that taking an inventory of what your resources are is the best starting place. Understanding what is where and how much is coming and going are two crucial snapshots to nail down. You can’t move forward without first knowing where you are now.
As with any change, pick one small step to take. Then another. Then another. Be gentle with yourself but intentional in all three areas.
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What has been one of your challenges and solutions upon becoming single? How did you adjust to all the changes? What tips can you share with other suddenly single women? Let’s share!