Do you view painful emotions like fear, regret, anger, or sadness as unwelcome intruders – feelings to be avoided, suppressed, and hidden from others?
This self-censorship often takes root in childhood, when we’re taught to downplay our feelings – especially intense ones or those labeled “inappropriate.” I don’t know about you, but in my childhood home, expressions of sadness or tears were discouraged, and displays of anger often resulted in disciplinary action.
And now, as the holiday season unfolds around us, those old patterns can resurface with surprising force.
For many women our age, this time of year becomes an emotional pressure cooker. There’s the grief of empty chairs at the table, the exhaustion of hosting expectations, the complicated dance of family dynamics, the cultural mandate to be merry when we might be feeling anything but.
We’re supposed to radiate gratitude and joy while simultaneously managing disappointment, loneliness, resentment, or the particular sadness that comes with change. No wonder we’re worn out before the decorations even come down.
But what if this season could be different? What if we had a framework for navigating these emotional crosscurrents with more grace and less guilt?
What if we accepted our challenging emotions and those of others? What if we used them as information rather than trying to change them?
What if we viewed them as guides to help us live in alignment with our values and to connect more deeply with others?
The Spirit of Sawubona
This kind of radical acceptance reminds me of a South African greeting that captures something profound about truly seeing each other – and in doing so, helping each other flourish.
The word is Sawubona, which psychologist Susan David, PhD, often references in her groundbreaking work on emotions. It means: “I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.”
But to truly see others, we must first learn to see ourselves fully. In her book Emotional Agility, Dr. David encourages us to embrace all aspects of our inner world, including the parts we might find challenging.
Dr. David introduces us to a liberating perspective: moving beyond labeling our emotions as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Instead, she encourages us to welcome all our thoughts and feelings as valuable parts of our human experience.
“When we reconnect with ourselves – when we compassionately acknowledge our pain – we begin to see ourselves more clearly. We start living from our hearts, not just our heads.” —Susan David, PhD
One of the most potent aspects of emotional agility is its emphasis on self-acceptance. By acknowledging and working with all of our emotions—not just the pleasant ones—we can tap into a rich source of self-understanding and growth.
Four Key Steps
Dr. David outlines four fundamental steps in developing emotional agility:
Showing Up
Face your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and acceptance – yes, even that flash of rage at your sister-in-law’s comment, even that whisper of loneliness on Christmas morning. All of it deserves your gentle attention.
Stepping Out
Create distance between yourself and your emotions. This doesn’t mean detachment but rather the ability to observe your feelings objectively, recognizing that they are temporary states, not permanent traits. That wave of resentment about hosting again? It’s a feeling passing through you, not who you are.
Walking Your Why
Connect with your core values. Use these as a compass to guide your actions and decisions, especially in challenging times. Perhaps you value authenticity over performance, or rest over productivity. Let those truths guide you through December.
Moving On
Make small, deliberate adjustments to align your mindset, motivation, and habits with your values. This involves taking concrete steps towards personal growth and positive change – maybe saying no to one obligation, or being honest when someone asks how you’re really doing.
Finding Your Way
By embracing our whole selves – including our fears, doubts, and struggles – we open the door to greater authenticity, resilience, and a more fulfilling life.
As wise woman Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
Emotional agility offers a path to knowing and doing better. It’s not about achieving perpetual happiness but rather about developing a more balanced, flexible approach to our emotional lives.
In a world that often emphasizes positivity at all costs, emotional agility reminds us that true wellbeing comes not from avoiding difficult emotions but from learning to dance with them.
So this holiday season, instead of forcing yourself into festive cheer or hiding the parts that don’t fit the greeting card image, try something radical: show up fully, with all your contradictory feelings. The freedom you find there might be the best gift you give yourself all year.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What emotion have you been trying to hide or manage this holiday season? Which of the four steps of emotional agility speaks to you most right now, and why? If you gave yourself permission to feel everything, what would that free you to do differently?