A 70-year-old man suspects that he’s simply the sugar daddy to a 42-year-old woman he’s lived with for four years. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am regretfully asking myself if I have morphed into a de facto sugar daddy. I’m in a four-year live-in relationship with a 42-year-old woman. I am 70.
Many might think the 28-year age gap is prima facie evidence of a sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship. However, to date, the relationship has been the best, as it has been adorned with love, kindness, joy and fulfillment.
She is an artist and after moving in with me I spent several thousand dollars building her an art studio. I have financially supported her and her career in many other ways, including giving her a monthly allowance.
Recently, she wanted me to buy her a computer. When I balked, she got huffy and accused me of not valuing her artistic career. There are a growing number of instances where she comes off as entitled. I’m thinking of tapering off my largesse to see if we really do have the strong, loving relationship that I think we do. I’ll still be her biggest vocal supporter and champion. What do you think?
– A Sweet Deal
Dear Deal:
Sugar is in the eye of the beholder. Which is to say, every relationship works differently, has different expectations, and asks different things of its participants. You have the power to define the relationship for yourself. This isn’t an episode of “The Maury Povich Show”; no one is going to unilaterally declare you the father.
I have two suggestions. First, talk with your girlfriend about how your relationship works and how you’d like it to work. Use “I” statements, but don’t be afraid to bring up how you felt about her response to the computer conversation. Ask her what her wants and expectations are. This could be clarifying for you both.
Communication is going to help you both. Try to think of concrete ways that you’d like to be shown love and would like to show it. These conversations may not be easy and there may be some bruised feelings. But it’s perfectly fine to be honest about your fears and your hopes.
Second suggestion: instead of tapering off your largesse, communicate about that, too, in the form of a budget. Tapering feels, to me, like playing a game of chicken, each of you waiting for the other to cry foul. Instead, by being up front about what money is shared, and what money isn’t, you keep the focus on what you’re really interested in: building and maintaining a strong, loving relationship.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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