For much of my life, I believed confidence meant keeping my emotions in check.
Stay calm. Don’t let them see you sweat. Push through.
Many women of our generation were taught this early on. We learned to be capable, composed, and reliable – often at the expense of our inner lives. Emotions were something to manage privately, if at all.
But after four decades as a healthcare attorney and years immersed in the science of well-being, I’ve learned something both surprising and deeply freeing:
Our feelings aren’t a weakness. They are the foundation of true confidence.
The Confidence Myth Many of Us Inherited
Most of us grew up hearing messages like “Don’t be so emotional” or “Keep your feelings to yourself.” Over time, those messages became internal rules. We carried them into our careers, our marriages, our parenting, and our friendships.
We became experts at pushing feelings aside – especially the inconvenient ones.
What many of us didn’t realize is that those habits came at a cost. When we disconnect from our feelings, it’s hard to feel confident in someone we no longer fully know.
One of the most powerful things I’ve found is simply naming those old messages. Writing them down. Seeing them on the page for what they are – rules that were handed to us, not truths we chose. In the companion workbook to my book From Chains to Wings, one of the very first exercises invites you to do exactly this. It’s a small act, but loosening the grip of old beliefs is where real change begins.
Feelings Are Information, Not Problems
Every emotion you experience is meaningful. It’s your body’s way of communicating with you.
That nervous flutter before speaking up? It tells you something matters. That irritation when you feel dismissed? It’s pointing to a boundary. Those unexpected tears during a quiet moment? They may be asking for attention you’ve postponed for years.
When we learn to listen rather than override these signals, something shifts. We begin to trust ourselves again. And self-trust – not bravado or certainty – is the deepest form of confidence there is.
This understanding became central to my own healing journey and inspired my book From Chains to Wings: A Poetry Revolution for Healing. Poetry has a unique ability to give language to feelings we often struggle to name. When words reflect our inner experience, we feel seen – even by ourselves.
The workbook extends this with a daily practice I love: a simple journal prompt that asks, “What did I feel today that I almost ignored?” Revisited regularly – over morning coffee, before bed, whenever suits you– that one question can quietly transform your relationship with your inner life.
A Simple Practice That Changes Everything
In my work with women, I often share a simple framework I call Feel-Pause-Act. It’s gentle, practical, and especially helpful in this season of life.
Feel
When an emotion arises, acknowledge it. Name it quietly: “I’m feeling anxious,” or “I notice sadness here.” There’s no need to judge or explain it away. Simply noticing is powerful – especially for those of us who learned to skip this step entirely. Sometimes the hardest part is finding the right word. Having that language for our emotions makes all the difference.
Pause
Take a breath. Or two. This pause isn’t about fixing the feeling. It’s about letting your nervous system settle. Even a few slow breaths can create space – space where choice becomes possible. Try it anywhere – in your car, before a difficult conversation, even standing in line at the store.
Act
From that steadier place, choose how you want to respond. Not from habit or pressure, but in a way that honors both your feelings and your values.
This practice works just as well for small daily moments as it does for big life decisions – the phone call that rattled you, the comment that stung, the decision you keep going back and forth on. The workbook gives you a simple tracking tool so you can use Feel-Pause-Act throughout your day and begin noticing your own patterns. Over time, you’ll see which emotions show up most, what triggers them, and how your responses start to shift. That awareness itself is a form of confidence.
Why Emotional Confidence Matters More After 60
By this stage of life, we’ve lived a lot. We’ve loved, lost, adapted, and endured. Our feelings now carry decades of wisdom.
Yet many women still question themselves. Am I overreacting? Shouldn’t I be past this by now?
Here’s what I know to be true: your emotional responses are not random or excessive. They are shaped by everything you’ve experienced – and that history deserves respect.
For many women, earlier years were spent caring for others while postponing their own needs. After 60, there’s a quiet invitation to come home to yourself. To ask, perhaps for the first time:
What do I feel? What do I need? What do I want now?
These questions aren’t selfish. They’re restorative. And the workbook gives you a safe, private space to sit with them honestly – at your own kitchen table, on your own terms, at whatever pace feels right.
Start Where You Are
You don’t need to overhaul your relationship with emotions overnight. Begin with something simple.
The next time you feel something strongly – joy, irritation, sadness, excitement – pause and acknowledge it:
“I feel this.”
That’s enough.
If you want to go deeper, try asking gently, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Write a few lines if that feels helpful. Or simply sit with the question over your morning coffee. The workbook is designed for exactly this kind of daily exploration – it meets you wherever you are and offers a practical next step whenever you’re ready for one.
Over time, this practice builds self-trust. And self-trust is the quiet confidence that doesn’t need to prove anything. It doesn’t rush. It doesn’t perform. It simply knows.
From Chains to Wings
For years, many of us believed confidence meant controlling our emotions. What I’ve discovered instead is this:
Confidence grows when we stop fighting our feelings and start listening to them.
Your emotions have walked beside you through every chapter of your life. They’ve protected you, guided you, and revealed what matters most. When you honor them now, you honor your entire story.
And that’s how chains become wings – not by resisting what we feel, but by allowing our feelings to show us the way forward.
As you read this, notice what you’re feeling right now. No need to change it. Just notice. That, too, is confidence taking root.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What emotions do you usually suppress and why? If you let your guard down, how would you express them? Do you think writing down your emotions would help you learn more about yourself and gain confidence?