Whether you are celebrating
Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanza, or Christmas, the holidays will soon be upon us,
spreading a message of peace and love around the world. It’s a truly uplifting
and inspiring time of year, no doubt, until your relatives arrive to celebrate
with you.
Of course, some of us have easy,
smooth, and delightful interactions with our friends and family. But most of us
have some degree of, shall we call it “challenge,” when it comes to dealing
with friends and family, especially those we generally see only during the holidays.
Let’s face it, after a certain age,
one hopes that family stress would be mostly behind us, that we’d come to
accept each other as we are, for who we are. If only it were so. Unfortunately,
family members can still grate on our nerves, try as we might to take it all in
stride.
Your perpetually whining grandson refuses
to talk to anyone but spends the holiday get-together with his face in his
mobile.
Your cousin Ann wants “just another
little drinkie” before lunch, which guarantees she’ll be incoherent by dessert.
Your brother-in-law George’s jokes are not only politically incorrect, but also
downright rude.
All of these put you in an impossible
position. Ignore or smooth over? Attempt people-management or plaster a smile
on your face? Run and hide? Well, you can’t do that. The upshot is stress.
The Stress Challenge
Holiday stress, whether handled
directly or sublimated in the interests of apparent family harmony, takes its
toll. Not just in terms of momentary frustration and aggravation, but in terms
of your health and longevity.
Conflict produces stress. Stress can accelerate
telomere shortening, which research shows can jumpstart
age-related disease. Why are telomeres so important to good health? Every cell
in our body contains chromosomes, each with protective caps known as telomeres.
Telomeres shorten naturally as we
age, but telomeres also shorten due to stress, with a highly unpleasant
consequence known as “accelerated aging.” I don’t know about you, but the last
thing I want is “accelerated aging.”
We can’t avoid all stress. A certain
amount of stress is actually healthy as it gets us up and going. But the stress
of family challenges is rarely healthy stress, as it can lead to anxiety,
frustration, or even depression.
How to Lower Stress Levels
Exiling all stress-inducing friends and family from holiday get-togethers isn’t the answer. Instead, learn how to deal more effectively with stress and family challenges.
Here is a useful strategy
to deal with holiday family stress challenges:
Look for the Good
So, your grandson has
nose-dived into his cell phone. At least that keeps him occupied and out of
everybody’s hair.
Cousin Ann will sneak a
drink regardless of your valiant attempts to keep her away from the refreshments.
Either make sure she has someone to drive her home after the festivities or
make up a bed for her.
Everyone is used to
brother-in-law George’s offensive humor. Ignore it. Don’t rise to the bait by
responding, and trust that your other guests will take their cue from you.
Enjoy What Can Be Enjoyed
Your job is to enjoy what
can be enjoyed in your family gathering, not to be the family problem-solver.
You won’t reform anyone overnight, so don’t try.
This is not to say that
at some other point you might wish to engage in communication with various
family members over unhealthy or inappropriate behaviors, but not now.
The holidays are meant to
be a time of peace and celebration. To the best of your ability, let it be so. And
with that, know you are supporting your own health and longevity. A precious holiday
gift to yourself.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What strategies do you use to reduce the stress at family gatherings – particularly during the holidays? Do you find that you are more tolerant or less tolerant of bad behavior at family get-togethers as you get older? Why? What is your worst family gathering cringe-worthy story that ended on a positive note? Please share with our community!