The other day, someone very dear to me asked me to be involved in an event they were planning. Now, I know full well that my calendar is packed. My mental reserves are a bit low, and my migraines have been popping in a little too often. But this person is special to me. So, I said yes. I said to myself, When this event is over, then I will make time for me. Later. But guess what? It’s still not later.
I grew up thinking that in order to be a woman of worth, I needed to always be there for those around me. I needed to be the one who holds everyone together, who solves their problems, who helps heal their pain. That being there for your kids, your spouse, and your friends comes first. And those things are an important part of who I am. I don’t regret any of it. Sound familiar?
What I do regret is not realizing that I am one of those important people in my life. That I count. That my needs matter. And what I finally figured out is that you don’t come last unless you make yourself last.
Once you reach midlife, you have a chance to rewrite that story. Aging gives us the wisdom to look at ourselves a little more honestly. And it’s also time we realized that we’ve earned a little self-care. More than a little. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to disappear. Actually, quite the opposite. It is time to give ourselves permission to figure out who we are underneath our people-pleasing selves.
Here are 3 ways I’ve learned to stop putting myself last.
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish, It’s Survival
So many of us women are caretakers. It’s in our DNA. I get it. I come from a long line of women who have always been there for everyone else. (Thanks, Mom!) But when that becomes who we are, we can feel like it is selfish to take time for ourselves. This is the hardest part to get past, because we’ve been stuck in this thought process for so long.
But here’s the thing. The world won’t fall apart if you do something for you. Other people’s problems will still be there for you to solve, laundry will still be there to be folded, hearts will still be there to be mended. But if you don’t recharge yourself, you run out of gas. If you don’t take your car in for oil changes and tune-ups, it will run along just fine… for a while. Then will come the day when it won’t start, or it runs rough, or puts out toxic smoke into the world. I’m betting if you’ve read this far, you may see yourself in this analogy. I know I do.
But more than running out of energy and resources, we also cheat ourselves in another way when we put ourselves last. We send ourselves the message that we don’t matter as much as everyone around us. We do. You do! If you ever feel that way, that you don’t matter, please check out my course Confidence Reboot: Reinvent Yourself at 50+.
So, how do we fix this?
Practice Saying “No” Without Apologizing
So this is the tough one. The first time you say “no” when everything in you is screaming “Say Yes!!!” You have probably been saying “yes” for decades. So, once you make the decision that you deserve more, try these tips…
Pause
Some of us are so used to saying “yes” that it just leaks out of our mouths like mint chip out of a waffle cone. Just learning to mindfully pause and think before we respond can give us the strength to say, “I’d really like to help next time, but right now I am at my limits.”
Have a Plan
When someone asks for something that in your heart you know you don’t have the energy for, have a script so you can reply in the moment. “Can I get back to you on that?” or “Can I think about that?”
And if you are like me, the first thought you will have is, “Do they think I’m selfish?”
So, stop that. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. In fact, it allows you to spread your kindness without burning out. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Thanks, Oprah.
Make Self-Care as Much a Habit as Brushing Your Teeth
This means making you a priority, ladies. Yes, you. And you need to make it a regular part of your day, week, month, and year. Telling yourself you will “get to it” won’t work any better than saying “I’ll brush my teeth when I get around to it.” Either way, you end up with a result you do not want. How do you do that? Schedule your self-care. Yep, just like you schedule your dentist appointments or your haircuts. How? Glad you asked…
Subscribe to Self-Care
I love subscription boxes just for us girls. You can get a treat for yourself every month, without guilt. It’s delivered right to your door, so you can’t “reason” yourself out of it, either. Check out my post on the best subscription boxes for women over 50 to see the ones I have used and recommend.
Use Your Calendar
Pick a day once a month, or a couple of hours once a week, that you put on your calendar as “me time.” And take it just as seriously as a coffee date with your best friend. You wouldn’t cancel on her/him, right? So don’t cancel on yourself. You matter just as much.
Have a “No” Day
When I start feeling overwhelmed, whether it’s with work, family, the holidays, or anything else that takes up bandwidth, I schedule a “no” day. This means you say no to everything that isn’t for you. No answering the phone to solve your sister’s problems with the neighbor, no chores, no obligations, just “no.” The only thing I say yes to is me. Just do you that day. Whatever feels good to you. That’s it. And trust me, they will all live without you for one day. I promise.
Find a Partner
Find another woman who is in the same boat as you, and sign up to be each other’s self-care partner. Maybe you plan regular dates together away from the grind of your lives. Maybe you remind each other of your respective “me” days and cheer each other on. I mean, it’s hard saying no, right? Wouldn’t it be easier to say yes to yourself if you have that friend call you and say, “Hey, Tuesday is your ‘me’ day, I can’t wait to hear how you treat yourself!”
So, however you do self-care, just do self-care. You do not deserve to always come last. When you show up for yourself, everything gets easier. Lighter. More joyful. And you might find that in the end, you actually have more energy and more space for those you love, not less!
Let’s Talk:
What’s your energy level like? Do you feel exhausted from volunteering your time left, right and center? What would the ideal “me day” look like?